Strong enough to stay single?

Internet dating is not for the faint of heart.

I’ve been fighting the Internet dating wars for a decade now, and while I don’t consider myself one of the walking wounded, I’ve certainly got some stories to tell. And when I tell them, my sweet friend Emily often says, “Sprague, you’re the bravest woman I know.” I don’t know about that. All I know is that I keep going back into battle.

I’m in the trenches once again, and I don’t know what’s different about this deployment, but it’s a heck of a lot tougher than the previous ones. Maybe it’s because I’m older now, and staring “advanced maternal age” in the face, but this time around is dragging me down like it never has before.

I have my profile up on two Christian dating sites. (I’m pretty sure this makes me a cyber-floozy.) One is a site I’d tried before, with moderate success. Two summers ago I matched up with a pastor in Michigan – tall, attractive, articulate, Dutch. 🙂 The e-mails were flying fast and furious for about two weeks, then he went on a camping vacation in Canada. And I never heard from him again. I’m choosing to believe he was eaten by a bear. It’s a much easier explanation to handle than the (more likely) explanation that he just lost interest in me.

The new site that I’m trying is the one that is kicking my tail. Let’s take yesterday’s e-mail from Bachelor #1, shall we? He’s 62 years old, looking for a woman who is young enough to bear him three children because he’s concerned his family line will die out. (Note: his profile says he already has children, so I can only assume these children are female and not “capable” of continuing the family line. Strike one.)

His e-mail to me referenced how I might fit what he’s looking for, and cited all kinds of reasons and references as to why I should be considering it my Biblical duty to marry a man three years younger than my father. Strike two.

I felt like I needed a shower after I read it.

As I tried to play this scenario out in my head, it just got worse and worse. Outliving my husband by potentially 40 or 50 years (we’re long-lived in my family) would mean raising a family essentially on my own. Strike three. Oh, and he’s also in need a helper to build the international ministry he’s currently earning his doctoral degree in order to start. Adios to my career aspirations.

Then there’s Bachelor #2, who e-mailed to ask if I or any of my “Godly, physically fit friends” might be a good match for him. His profile was chock-full of Scriptural references on how I should submit to my future husband (with no reference to how he would hold up HIS end of the submission deal – the one where he would love his wife like Jesus loves her and sacrifice himself for her), how my hair and makeup didn’t matter as much as having a firm body (another shower needed after reading this one), how I needed to be debt-free and have a significant chunk of money saved up to prepare me for marriage, and if I was divorced I needed to explain if it was a Biblical divorce in my profile so that I might be qualified to be considered as his future wife.

I replied, and took myself out of consideration as gently as I knew how. Mainly because I was afraid of this guy.

The worst part, to me, is how these two men used Scripture and statistics like a hammer to beat me down. Things like citing the story of Ruth (one of the most beautiful man/woman stories of the Bible) as the reason that I shouldn’t be considering younger men and should be looking only at older men. The Bible may not put a restriction on age differences in marriage, but I do – and using this beautiful story to hammer on me just felt wrong. And telling me that there are so many more Christian women than men in the church, and if I wanted to even have a chance of fulfilling my dreams of marriage and children I was going to have to either a) increase the upper bound on my age range to those eligible for Social Security or b) stop spending money at ULTA and become a sackcloth-wearing version of Jillian Michaels.

I came away from both these experiences feeling angry, violated, and – worst of all – hopeless. Each of them used their words to imply that if I didn’t fall at their feet and beg me to rescue them from my hopeless, helpless single life I was somehow in violation of God’s will.

To them I say – NO.

I say no to the voices of hopelessness and despair that have been attacking me since I read Bachelor #1’s message last night. I say no to the fear that these men are right, that they’re the best I can expect. I say no the fear that because God hasn’t brought my husband in my first 34 years, He’s not going to.

I say yes to Jesus – the Jesus who died so I could ask for immeasurably more than I could imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21), and be confident that He will deliver on it. I say yes to the life (and marriage) that He promised – one full of joy, hope, and love. One where I can speak life and encouragement into my husband’s life, and he is eager to do the same for me. One where he will rejoice in who God created me to be, not hold me up to a list of criteria and expectations that I can never fulfill.

I say yes to Jesus, who right now is loving me more than any earthly person ever can. Who has a plan for my life, and has promised that this plan  is working out for my ultimate good in every respect. The Jesus who gently urges me not to judge these men, but to lift them up to Him and ask that His grace and mercy become a bigger part of their lives and their words. (That part really sucked – but I did it anyway.)

So I keep fighting, keep hoping that someone out in cyberspace is the one Jesus promised. There’s a song that I’ve been listening to often in the last few months that captures how I feel as I keep blazing my trail of singleness, written by the incomparable Sara Bareilles:

The time that I’ve taken I pray is not wasted – have I already tasted my share of one sweet love? Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking; I’d settle for an honest mistake in the name of one sweet love. … As I do I don’t look, don’t touch, don’t do anything but hope that there is a you.

Lord Jesus, I know that there is a You. You’re the one who can deliver on every promise You’ve made, and every desire You’ve placed in my heart. Help me stay strong in the fight for You and the life You’ve promised. Help me be strong enough in my singleness to stay focused on You.